Anniversary of Keith's death

Keith

As I think today about the anniversary of Keith's death, Feb. 12, 2013 I am feeling many emotions. I want to honor him in a continuing manner. While plaques are wonderful, I know Keith would want to help students. We have been given some money for a Keith Johnson scholarship by Pete Lopez, a former state champion and college track athlete. We would like to see the scholarship grow. It will be awarded to a Granite Falls Senior.
Many people have asked about a way to help our family. If you would like to do so, we are asking for donations to his scholarship each year around  Feb. 12. Any amount is a blessing. Thank you. Donations can be made at anytime.
After the school board meets, I will post details as to where and who you can send a check to. We are also looking at the possibility of receiving funds electronically.

In Keith's memory,

Pam and family

As to what I will be doing this Wednesday on the anniversary I thought I would go to a movie but right now I am watching Dante Keith our newest and wonderful grandson. Keith would say watch Dante and go to a movie another day. He always choose helping and serving above himself. I am trying to do the same. Thanks for the reminder honey pie.
We sort of kept it secret that Keith liked romantic comedies. Early in our marriage we would go to a movie of his choice then mine but soon we knew each other so well that we just went to ones we both liked. Isn't that how marriages should be? :)

Holiday Grief Letter

Hello everyone,

To me, it feels like Keith died yesterday. But to most of you, daily lives continue  normally as they should. So now we are in the Holiday Season and it is very difficult as you might imagine to face them without Keith. It doesn't help that our anniversary is Dec. 16th.

While I cannot make myself attend an ongoing  support group I did go to a 2hr session on "Surviving the Holidays." I learned a lot of ways to cope and maybe enjoy this time of year.  Everyone's grief journey is different and that is ok.

I was encouraged to write a grief letter to let you know how I feel. I have been told that people don't know what to do or say.  I understand.  I decided to blog it instead. I hope you don't mind. I am copying most of the letter from the booklet, Surviving the Holidays because I can't seem to put my own words down. This letter speaks exactly what I want to say.

Dear Family and friends,

Recently I have suffered a devastating loss. I am grieving and it will take months and even years to recover from this loss.

I wanted to let you know that I will cry from time to time. I don't apologize for my tears since they are not a sign of weakness or a lack of faith. They are God's gift to me to express the extent of my loss and they are also a sign that I am recovering.

At times you may see me angry for no apparent reason. Sometimes I am not sure why. All I know is that my emotions are intense because of my grief. If I don't always make sense to you, please be forgiving and patient with me. And if I repeat myself again and again accept this as normal.

More than anything else I need your understanding and your presence. You don't always have to know what to say or even say anything if you don't know how to respond. Your presence and a touch or hug lets me know you care. Please don't wait for me to call you since sometimes I am too tired or tearful to do so.

If I tend to withdraw from you, please don't let me do that. I need you to reach out to me for several months.

Pray for me. It does help for me to know you are.

Don't be afraid to talk about Keith to me and please share your pain with me. It won't cause me anymore pain and maybe I can help and pray for you. If I cry, it's ok.

This loss is so painful and right now it feels like the worst thing that could ever happen to me. But I will survive and eventually recover. I know I will not always feel as I do now. Laughter and joy will emerge once again someday.

Thank you for caring about me. Thank you for listening and praying. Your concern comforts me and is a gift for which I will always be thankful,

Love and blessings,

Pam, without Keith

Thank you, Thank you, Thank you !!!

This is probably the hardest post to write. My heart is heavy as is my body with pain. No, not 24 hrs a day, but certainly daily. I understand now why in some countries black is worn when someone you love dies. It shows the world that you are indeed "fragile", and to handle with care. I wish our country understood grief better. I am learning about it myself.  I understand the difficulty of dealing with someone who has lost a large part of their life. What do you say? What do you do? How do you help? I'm not going to go into all the ways you can help because so many of you have supported our family in such a loving and giving ways. For that, I say, thank you. It feels good physically when I have been given a gift from you because you took the time to send it. It makes me feel cared and thought about, especially See's nuts and chews!

I WANT Keith back, I WANT my old life back. I thought the last 6 years, especially 3 years were the hardest and maybe it is good my mind protected me from knowing what losing Keith would feel like, because having him gone is even harder. I know I have to go through the grief.  Some days feel like if it gets any harder, how will I make it. Can't I just skip this part? Yet only with my heavenly father's grace, care and love along with your prayers will we all survive. I pray that we not just survive but that our family will also thrive and move towards what the Lord has planned for us.

Our family has lived with so much heaviness through this lengthy disease. One of the ways for us to heal is to take a fun trip together. Keith and I had wanted to take all of us to Disneyland but were unable to because of his MSA dx. So, in faith, I put a deposit on a trip to Disneyland this June. We need to laugh together and this will be a way to lighten the burden that all of us including the children have been carrying. I'm trusting the Lord for the rest. We are in HIS loving hands.

Please continue praying. It was so wonderful seeing so many of you at Keith's memorial.

Love in Christ's name,

Pam











family to heal

Keith's Obituary

My dad's obituary was in the Everett Herald today.


Click here to read the obituary.

Memorial Service

Keith passed away peacefully in his home on Tuesday afternoon.

The Memorial Service will be:

Saturday, February 23rd at 5pm.
New Life Church in Everett.
6830 Highland Dr.
Everett, WA 98203

Cards can be sent to my mom at the following address:

Pam Johnson
7305 E Heather Way
Everett, WA 98203

?

As we near Keith's birthday, Jan. 25th, I hardly know what to say. It is 2am, I can't sleep. We had to call the Hospice nurse to come and change his catheter because he was in pain. She must have just finished as I hear that he is now a "happy" camper. Of course the morphine didn't hurt either! We are so grateful with our hospice team. The few hrs a week they are here are wonderful, but as our pastor pointed out, there are still a lot of hrs of care left in the day. We have some "respite" coverage but Keith has gone through about 5 so far that haven't worked out. This week in fact, we thought we had found the perfect fit only to be told by the agency that she could not come again as the care needed for Keith was too difficult. I thanked them for their honestly and it verified to me that what I am doing is hard! They asked me to please try to let them help again. Trouble with that is that I spend the first time with each one training them as to Keith's care so I don't get a break and it is too hard on Keith to have a new person each time. So we are praying for the "right" fit.

Thankfully, our family and friends have stepped up. Because his care is so hard, I can no longer  do it both at night and during the day. So, about 8 wonderful male family and friends have come over from about 8pm to 8am and care for Keith so I can get some sleep. To see these men giving of their time and sleep to care for Keith is such a blessing. If it were not so private and special, I would take a picture of what I find in the morning. I open the door to the bedroom without turning the light on because I don't know if he is awake. I give him a silent wave and if he is awake, he waves back. It's pretty sweet. Then I look over and usually see the guy on for the night, crashed out on our too small single bed. It's a wonderful scene =)  Kristi is the only "girl" allowed. She was the first one to volunteer. =) and wants to help take care of her dad. I am so proud of Clint and Kristi. It hasn't been easy for them as you can imagine. 

Keith's cousin, Doug, from Colorado flew into Sea-Tac and visited us for a few hrs and flew back that night. I just think that is the "coolest" thing. We laughed as he and Keith shared fun stories from their youthful days out at the cabin. He even wants to be on the 8pm to 8am crew and meant it! 

Our family and friends are amazing. We thank you all. =)

Well, the nurse is gone, Keith is in good hands with his buddy Ernie. 

Goodnight.

Christmas Fun!

Check out some fun Christmas pictures of the family! :)

Christmas Pictures