2 am in the morning

I cry because I have left the bed of a man I have slept with for over 30 years. He doesn't even know I'm gone. That is because of the MSA. His body becomes so heavy I can't get him to move or understand what I am saying most of the time. I had to leave because he was hitting me in the back. MSA can cause him to "act out" what he may be dreaming. Not that he is dreaming he is hitting me, but whatever it is, I am a close target! Too close! I couldn't get him to wake up to explain it to him, so I left and came to write. I know it may make sense to sleep elsewhere, but, " I DON'T WANT TO."

I write, not to evoke sympathy but because I am sad and scared. This disease is robbing the outward emotions from Keith that I so desire. He cares and wants to provide them but can't. I feel so selfish wanting wisdom from him. Wanting problem solving from him. Wanting strength from him. Wanting holding from him.

I can't make it funny anymore.

I'm not sure I should post this because I lack sleep but I know I will. "Why?" I don't know anymore. You all ask how Keith is and he is fighting for his life. The energy it takes to exercise and visit and get through the day is staggering but only those that see it daily would know. Of course, he isn't complaining, but I guess I am aren't I?

Keith just came out and saw me posting but only talked about our dog. That's not normal. Before the disease he would have said, "What's wrong, why are you up?" and we would have talked as long as necessary. It did turn out to be a blessing that our crying dog woke him up. I will tell you why. After he seemed to not care why I was up, I followed him back to the room and confronted him with the situation. (You've got to understand, we've had very few times where we haven't communicated and comforted on another in our marriage so this situation was big.) Anyway, he knew then that something was wrong. We talked and cried (ok, I cried ) He said as only Keith can, "Things are getting serious" and then said, "Don't give up on me." I said I would never give up on him, or on us. He then said some more serious and insightful things to me that I so needed to hear.

Thank you Lord. I think I can sleep now.